Unconditional Love

An important quality of love is that it should be unconditional. When we say we love someone and if that love is dependent upon or is influenced by that person’s behaviour or tangible (physical) and intangible aspects then this is ego love or self love. It is a love that is based on what we can get out of this love and this is driven by our own need and what is most pleasing to us. So its more like “I love you for what you do or can do for me” rather than a pure ‘I love you”. FULLSTOP. It is a love based on our own expectations that are internal and based on what we want to be fulfilled. Conditional or expectational love is an extension of our own selfishness and you fall in love (?) with whoever is in a position (at that point in time) to satisfy that need. Needless to say that as with time your own needs change or when the object of your love is no longer able (or willing) to satisfy those needs, love ceases to exist. That is the danger of conditional love, when the conditions aren’t met or they are not there, where does love go?

So what? All love is expectational love, isn’t it. Yes it is in almost all cases (yes we are all humans) and that is why unconditional love is so difficult because you have to rise above your own selfishness and rather than look inwards about your own needs and what you can get out of loving a person you look outwards and selflessly as to what you can give.

Conditional love is like a role play. At the beginning when two people are falling in love (conditionally), what is involved here is that each is judging the other person to see if the person is a perfect “fit” to fulfilling his/her own needs. At the same time both put on masks and start a game of role play where they try to be the what they think the other person wants to see – as they want the other person to fall in love with them. So the mask which will achieve that objective is put on in order to be loved – which is far from reality. So when falling in love of this type, you put on a mask (play the role) which your partner wants to see. Conditional. What you have not realised is that your partner has not fallen in love with you but with the mask that you have put on !! And with time it becomes difficult to keep the mask on and when the mask ultimately falls, what have you ? Yes a case of falling in love with mistaken identity. (If you are reading this but haven’t read my posting below on Beauty and the Beast then please do so – it has an element of unconditional love).

Unconditional love involves several elements like surrender, trust, non possessiveness, beyond body (non sexual), self sufficient and of course non judgemental. Rather than talk about all of these elements in one piece I will post separately on each aspect.

I claim no authorship on this. My writings have been influenced by several authors and reflect what I have read, understood, adapted and of course in addition based on my own personal experiences (he he he).

Keeping Faith

Another follow up on the two articles written on the “Universal art of beading a necklace” and “Carrot and Stick”. A colleague of mine mentioned to me that it is difficult to keep faith as in the current age of internet and technology truth and information have become bigger and therefore faith is losing out. Although I agreed with him but still tend to disagree somewhat and hope that by the time I finish writing this I will be able to make up my mind and that of a few others.

I still think Faith is bigger than truth for the simple reason that truth has its limits. There is nothing beyond truth but faith does not have any boundaries except within your own mind. And anyway, truth is never absolute and final. It is always relative to our previous position and based on our incomplete knowledge at times. More often than not, people are hurt more when their faith/trust placed in someone else is broken than in the (un)truth itself. Lying for a reason is accepted somewhat but deception is still a big sin. This has been captured symbolically in the historical Shakespearean play of Julius Caesar. Julius Caesar who was stabbed by his own senators was still standing tall despite being stabbed several times. But when his most trusted friend Brutus stabbed him he collapsed from shock. Captured in those famous historical Casear’s last words…”Et tu Brutus ?.... then fall Caesar”. The greatest emperor of all times in our history fell down because he had his faith in his friend broken. He would have died anyway but just underscores the point that we still like reading stories of faith and trust.

If today it was proven that God does not exist, then despite that “truth” millions will still keep their faith in God. Most of the time people lose their faith on events that may happen in their lives because they try and work out things themselves (possibly due to lack of patience). And because we are mortals with limited capabilities, we cannot see how the road to our destination can be built and give up on faith creating a self doubt that things may not work out and break the faith ourselves. For faith to be kept, there should not be any self doubt. Which will not be there if the faith is strong. So the best thing is to leave things to God and Universe to work out how the road has to be built so that you get the destiny you want. Because then the Universe only has your faith to work with and has to build the road to the destiny you want and in the manner you want. Self doubt creates shifts amongst several destinies and we may end up with something less that what we want or we still get there but not in the manner we wanted to. Our thoughts create vibrations and are picked up and create/interfere with future events as they are being created (or do they unfold?) in the astral world.

Truth is for all to see and it can be magical. Truth is knowing that a caterpillar will turn into a beautiful butterfly. Its nature’s magic at its best if you have seen such an event happening in slow motion. But what if, what if for a moment were we not to know that the caterpillar will turn into a beautiful butterfly? What if you have just the faith that the caterpillar will turn into something beautiful but not the knowledge? And keep the faith. And keep watching that stupid caterpillar. And then if it turns into a butterfly then it’s a miracle because your faith won. So what is bigger? Truth or Faith? Magic or miracle? See what I mean ?

My Beauty is Gone !!!

Now this is no fairy tale but talk about coincidences !!

The day I wrote this article, I lost the DVDs. Yes, the case is there but empty !!! How did it happen ? Well I have two lovely boys aged 9 and 2 and they conspired together to make this happen. To cut a long story short, during the day my younger boy was seen with the DVD set and all that remained later in the eveninig was the box. A massive search was launched but no result. Conclusion : the discs were thrown in the dustbin and are now lying in a garbage dump. I didnt get a chance to see it again.

So what is the issue? The issue here is that this DVD is no longer available - not even with Amazon or Barnes and Noble or even with Walt Disney Studios. The link for the DVD version is below:

http://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Beast-Disney-Special-Platinum/dp/B00003CX8Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1213325758&sr=1-1

The DVD was released 17 years ago and I think can only be found in some DVD store in US, no where else.

By the way, I did look into my 2 yr boy's eyes and told him what he had done and that I was sad. His response ? Just like a fairy tale. He put his arms round my neck and first gave me a kiss and then a smile. As if telling me that dont worry you will get your Beauty.

The Beauty and the Beast : A time less tale of miraculous love

Of all the fairy tales I read in my childhood I loved this the most. I loved fairy tales with twists and this had several of them and a great (fairy tale) ending. More than being about Beauty falling in love with the Beast to me it was about the Beast making the Beauty fall in love with it. The difference between the two is between love and unconditional love. Read on and you will understand better.

When the Disney studio started making an animation of this timeless tale, they assembled the best in the animation business to create a special film. Wonderful oscar wining music and one of the top films I have seen (and possess). I have watched this film many times but always alone as I do not want anyone to know that I cry when I watch films. Only once I have seen this with my son and we both enjoyed the great fun and humor that has been put into this tale.

In the fairy tale the Beast who is a handsome prince is cursed by a witch to turn into a beast because he refuses to help the witch who is in the form of an old woman. The witch leaves a rose with the beast. The curse involves the Beast getting someone to fall in love with it before the last petal falls. If successful he will be restored to his handsome prince self. If not he remains a Beast forever. Therefore, it was the Beast that had to make the Beauty fall in love with him, while being a Beast. There was no doubt that in his handsome prince self he would have had no difficulty winning Beauty’s love but not so easy in the form of a beast. Beauty falling in love with a prince is love, but to fall in love with a beast is a higher love which involves unconditional love and acceptance of his profile as a beast. Unconditional love takes time and this is what the beast did not have on his hand.

So, years pass and the petals keep dropping off one by one. And one day, by accident, Beauty walks into the Beast’s castle which is in a forsaken place. And is shocked to see the hideous beast and his mannerisms of a beast. No way she can fall in love with this beast, you tell yourself. But then as she stays on in the castle because she doesn’t know where to go, she starts seeing sides of him which she did not expect. And then finally sees how selfless he is when he risks his life to save hers. And then the realization sets in that she is in love with him because he has loved her selflessly. In a typical dramatic fashion, when the last petal is about to fall (and you are on the edge of yr seat holding back the tears) and the beast has given up and is about to die knowing that it will not be accepted and loved unconditionally, Beauty bends down , touches the dying beast and says those magic three words..”I love you”. This is where I always cry. Unconditional love is so rare its almost miraculous. Miraculous enough to reverse the process of death and turn the beast into a handsome prince. The beast had stopped living. Those three magic words gave it a new life and changed his world. The beast’s world was his magnificent castle. When he was cursed, the castle started decaying. The curtains, the walls, upholstery everything had become colorless and lifeless. That was his world now. Once those magic words were said, the castle becomes magnificent again. The film animation shows this transformation of the castle’s exterior and the interior brilliantly. So symbolic of the Beast’s world which was dull and lifeless before being accepted unconditionally and bright and colourful after Beauty fell in love with him for what he was, non judgmentally and unconditionally. Beauty’s reward for first accepting a beast unconditionally and then falling in love is that she ends up with a handsome prince.

The movie also contrasts a good looking handsome hunk in Beauty’s life who is so self centred that he can fill up a dictionary on himself and his self obsession with his body. He assumes that because he has done the favour of deciding to marry Beauty, she cannot refuse him. The fairy tale deliberately has this contrast to underscore the point about what you see is not often what is true for you. The beast’s selfless love for beauty comes out stronger than this hunk’s selfish love for Beauty. The hunk ( I don’t remember his name and its French anyway so why bother !!) loves Beauty because he is in love with himself. His love for Beauty glorifies his own self because it tells him how handsome he is.

All of us want to be in that stage which first begins when we are born as souls and God loves us unconditionally and then when we are born on earth we are loved unconditionally by our parents. The first look the mother gives her child is unconditional and that is what we want to capture later on in life. Its not so easy. We rarely accept people for what they are. We are constantly trying to change the people in our lives and therefore everything we do whether its friendship or love or any relationship its always conditional and therefore they do not really last long are even if they do there are issues. It is difficult to love unconditionally but then it makes everything in your life so wonderfully easy. On the other hand its so easy to love conditionally but then it makes everything in our lives so difficult.

We are humans and its not easy to love unconditionally, leave alone finding a person who will love us unconditionally. But, miracles do take place and unconditional love does take place. If you are at the receiving side of it, consider yourself blessed and watch your world become bright, brilliant and colourful, just as the transformation that takes place in the beast’s castle. Watch the movie and you will know what I mean. The ending ? Huge celebrations while the Beauty and the now handsome prince dance the night away. I would love to be in such a fairy tale. Only I know that I am neither a beast nor a handsome prince. But I would still dance the night away with my beauty. Only with a difference. Beauty is dressed in yellow in the film. I would prefer my Beauty in black. To hell with what the Disney studios think. I have chosen black. But yellow is my favorite.. Maybe both, so that I can make up my mind about black or yellow after checking out both. Or mixed black and yellow dress ? Maybe if I was in the tale none of this would have ever started for I probably would not have turned the old woman (witch) away from my castle and given her shelter. Maybe instead of the curse then, the old woman would have blessed me by turninig herself into a lovely Princess for me. Or maybe a royal Queen. Or even better, into a Goddess of love instead. Watch the movie – even if it is an animation. This is Disney studio’s magic at its best. The music of this will enter your soul. Now that I have written this, I am going to watch the movie again. Yes, alone. Disney studios called it “A tale as old as time”. Yes it is, just as unconditional love is divine and has been there from the beginning of creation. God’s love. Unconditional and non judgemental.

Carrot and Stick

OK. Have had some feedback though not posted on the blog. So I guess need to elaborate further on what I was trying to say. Oh by the way, its much easier to read than to write about such things. Well its not a carrot or stick policy followed by the Universe. The law of karma is neither vengeful nor is it a law of retributive justice. There is NO punishment only good deed that you have to do to balance out your negative karma of past lives and this one too.

Everything in this universe is relative. And the only way you can “know” things is by experiencing them. So how do you measure things that you experience? If you have not experienced the tangible, you will not know the intangible. To neausre a particular emotion, you need an yardstick of measurement – which is the exact inverse of what you are trying to measure. Like a contrast. To know how much light there is, you have to compare it with darkness. So the sun is the brightest of all because it covers darkness like no other light source. To measure ecstasy you have to measure it using the yardstick of agony (your unhappy experiences) and therefore if you have to measure pure ecstasy you have to have your own yardstick of a deep agony.

CONTRAST. That's what its all about. If you have always been rich, then a million may not mean much. But if you have been broke a few times then even ten thousand will seem more valuable than a million. So everything is relative and ten thousand can be more than a million depending on your yardstick of measurement (experiences).

So, if you aren’t already confused, then here is more to come. That is how the universe works. If it is really going to give you something grand then it will also give you the yardstick (contrasting experiences) of measuring this something grand. Its in your interest too. The more you value something the more you will appreciate how it came into your life and the more you will work towards first gaining and then keeping it.

So you want a big carrot? Sure you can have it. But then have the patience to wait while the universe gives you the experiences (measuring yardstick) first. Have Faith and Trust and keep Wanting. It does need to be reminded. Yours is not the only necklace it’s weaving. Not happy with the big yardstick of measurement that you have got ? Just wait a little longer and you will have the carrot in your hands. Yes, and longer than the yardstick you have been given. Don’t bother measuring it. Just throw away the stick over your shoulder and walk of with the biggest, the brightest and the sweetest carrot ever without looking back. A gift from the Universe. Yours to keep. Across lifetimes. All because you had Faith and did not give up.

The Universe and the Art of Beading a Necklace

The universe follows two simple rules.

All events have to follow the law of Karma (briefly explained below)
No one can be made to bear what is unbearable in the final analysis (there may be times when this may appear to be so but will not be when the picture is complete)

The universe works like a necklace weaver. It threads together beads. And the beads are nothing but events in our lives (both big and small) that appear to be mutually exclusive (unconnected) but they are all leading us to our own destiny. It knows what we want but takes its time and tests our faith in its ability. It works in secrecy and never shows us all the beads that it has for us. The beads are the gains and the pains that we undergo to reach our destiny. Even before we know what we want at the end the universe knows and works on giving it to us. Yes, as we grow and experience things in our life and change as a result, our wants keep changing. The universe too keeps changing the beads to give us the necklace we want. Remember, the beads are events that happen in our lives – painful or joyful. We only see the beads in isolation….i.e. we think that most events are not related and have no idea about how they are being woven and start complaining or wish something against what the universe has planned for us. However, the events in our lives are not mutually exclusive (and this applies across past lives) and we are able to see how they are linked together only after the Universe has strung the seemingly unrelated events (both minor and major) together into a necklace for us.

It tests and reserves the very best of its necklaces to those that can stand the test. It’s a test of our faith we have in the Universe’s ability to give us the necklace we want. When it starts picking out the beads from its stock and threading them our test in its ability starts. It deliberately starts with the beads that bring us pain. It also keep throwing in the joyful beads in but the painful ones are made to stand out. Giving us an illusion that painful events are all linked but the joyful ones are random, doing its best to shake our faith. Once we lose the faith that at the end of it all the necklace we will get will balance out all the joys and sorrows and will be the one we so badly wanted in the first place, it turns away and moves on taking the remaining joyful beads that were in its hand but we never saw because we could not keep faith and did not have the patience to let it finish.

The painful beads are like the costs the Universe takes from us upfront for making the necklace type we asked for. Most of the costs come upfront. That is the test. If we start complaining about the costs already incurred and therefore do not think there will be enough gains (the joyful beads in the necklace) to justify the costs incurred we end up losing faith and end up losing what was destined for us. The universe gives up on us because we have given up on its ability to give us what we want.

It is a master weaver which ties neatly all the seemingly unconnected events in our lives into a neat necklace for us but all it asks for in return is patience and faith in its ability to do so. The universe makes it turns mysteriously and does things that are incomprehensible but it is always for the best of reasons. Imagine a master painter that we have commissioned to make a grand picture. The painter is expensive, extremely slow, and takes the money upfront (no refunds permitted) with no promise of a complete picture and with a take it or leave it deal. Worth it? What if the painter could read our thoughts and therefore had the capability of knowing exactly the picture we wanted even if we were unsure or were scared to admit. What if it is so happy with us for accepting, without complaining, all of its tough conditions that it actually paints a grander picture than we could have asked for? Worth it? Yes. Just remember the paint brush and the colors it uses are drawn from your faith in its ability. Lose them and the painting cant be completed. Only you don’t get to see what the final picture would have been. We are left with the smaller incomplete picture because that is what we saw and the bigger but complete picture disappears somewhere in this vast universe never to manifest in reality.

More often than not, when we give up, the substantial costs (events) have already been incurred and the painful events in our lives have already happened. What remains are the gains with minimal costs but we interfere in the Universe’s ability to create its miracles. It takes time to make the necklace you want and it does it using the string of your faith. Lose the faith, and the beads fall off just as they would if the string is taken off from a necklace. Only this time, we never get to see the beads (events) that the universe had in its hand for us in the future. All that remains with us is the cost. No refunds. Cost will not REFUND. Costs are yrs to keep without the balance of the gains that you could have in this life.

The costs are karmic which means they are meant to happen anyway as they are debts of past lives that have to be repaid but we cant and don’t see it that way. Only the universe can see all our past lives and the accumulated negative and the positive karma and therefore in order to give the necklace we want it has to balance out the negative karmas first. That’s the Law of Karma. That’s why the costs come first.

Remember the universe is bound by karmic law.. And therefore has to work slowly and surely so that it does not violate the two rules above. It cannot wish away your karmic debt, it has to ask you to repay them (incur costs). If you do not want the costs then in cant paint the picture you want for you. Therefore bear the incidents that happen in this life – they are part of the bigger picture which you will be able to see only when the picture is complete. Also remember that the Universe is also bound by rule 2 and it will compensate. Everything in the end will be worth it.

So the test is to see if you are worthy of receiving the beads (events) you want. The weak falter in this test and collapse and are left with the costs. The strong stay on patiently and watch the most spectacular things in their life take place. It’s like staying awake the whole night to watch the morning dew and then giving up and turning away just as the dawn breaks. Before you turn away just look behind once and you will see how the morning dewdrops from the green grass and the brown soil have been picked up and woven into a lovely necklace of precious pearls. Ever seen a white pearl necklace against a green and brown backdrop? Its a divine vision and blessed is anyone who can see it. A vision of a lifetime that will stay across future lifetimes – only because we wanted it, had faith and were prepared to pay the costs and wait for it. That’s the way the Universe works. So Incomprehensible but so rewarding in the end. If you ask for the morning dew and have faith, time and patience, you will get your pearl necklace. So make the wish, keep the faith, and stay true in all other aspects of life – just get on with everything else in life the way you are supposed to and wait for the universe to make its turns. The universal garland will be within your reach.


Author’s note:. The use of the word “universe” is deliberate. I have avoided the use of the word “God” as it then adds on a religious flavour of its own which I wanted to avoid. Since I have used “Karma”, I had to chose the word universe meaning "Bramhand". If required, the word “universe” can be replaced by the word ‘God”. The message will remain the same. This has taken me a week to write and some things could only be explained by way of an example hence it may seem lengthy. Thank you for having the patience to read through this.

K FACTOR AND FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE RIDICULOUS

God, the conversations me and my wife get into !!!! Maybe I should a write a book " Conversations with my wife" if I live long enough.

Ok, this conversation actually happened between me and my beloved wife. I admit that in the past, in order to make my writings funny and humorous I have invented situations and certain dialogues but not this time. This discussion actually happened (I swear by my wife) and I have obtained her permission to put this on my blog. Initially she didn’t agree – How can you put this discussion we just had on the blog? But then she was also quick (she is very sharp by the way) to realize that since no one reads my blog (and she is confident about this – refer an earlier post a month ago) it doesn’t matter.

So, I am the boss of my house and I have my wife’s permission to say so… oops…I mean I am the writer of this blog and I have my wife’s permission to write this piece. Stay tuned, this is a shocker !!!

It is very common in most homes (and my home is no exception) that some K factor (I mean Ekta Kapoor) serials run full time. Most of these - serials – you must have noticed have an extra marital affair going on between someone or the other. So I just casually asked my wife if she thought that are these things so common that the more the illegal affairs shown, the more popular the serial is?

She said that she had never noticed this coincidence but accepted my view (only the 6th time in 12 years since I have known her) that yes far too many people were falling in love with each other outside marriage and that society in general was more tolerant and understanding now. Surely people do these things because they have a reason? She reasoned.

Point of logic to note here I said, – what choice these married people have – if you can’t (or won’t) fall in love within yr marriage then you have to fall in love outside marriage, isn’t it? He he he…I gave her a smile which was met with one of her “there you go talking utter rubbish” again looks. My son called me from the other room to come and play Ludo.

At this stage I should have been better off leaving the room and playing Ludo with my son but decided to take my wife on. Despite all my wisdom pushing me out of the room, I asked a very difficult question. So, you mean to say that if someone you knew was having an affair you would try to understand him and his reasons for doing so?

What do you mean, be specific, she orderd. Who someone?

“Go and play Ludo with your son” boomed a voice inside my brain – must have been my blessed soul. “You are better off being a good father than an argument losing husband” But I ignored it again and continued to lock horns with my wife. Only, my horns were made of paper !!

Well, I meant that lets say hypothetically…..hypothetically (I repeated the word so that I was absolutely clear to her) …

Hypothetically what !! she was impatient now.

Hypothetically if I got involved with another …er…woman (words were coming out with great difficulty because my wife was staring down at me), then what?

What do you mean, “Then What”?, her look was bordering on anger. Something told me she would rather focus on the affair (extra marital of course) going on in the serial than in any hypothetical scenario that I may be involved in.

Then what will you do? I asked courageously and prepared to duck at the same time. No missiles were thrown.

Nothing. She simply put.

Nothing? I asked unbelievably.

Yes Nothing. Because it can only be hypothetical. It can never happen.

She had done it again. I was stunned speechless. Only this time I was moved. Never felt so moved since India beat West Indies in the cricket World Cup in 1983. To think my wife had such childlike faith in my monogamous love for her was unthinkable.

Weak-kneed, I went and sat down next to her. Honey, how can you be so sure? I mean how are you so sure about me not falling to any temptation ever?

At this moment I got this vision of sitting on a very colorful huge hot air balloon floating amongst the clouds. With a big white halo over (or is it behind?) my head in a white robe…get the picture ?, right. To be worthy of such faith…I had to be an angel. Never felt so sublime in my life.

There is an English saying “From the sublime to the ridiculous is but one step”. Well it took a second, actually. Read on.

“I know this cannot happen for the simple reason that it takes two to have an affair and even if you were willing, you would still require a female counterpart to have an affair and that does not exist”, my wife explained.

“POP” was the loud sound I heard in my head followed by my soul’s laughter as if a balloon had been burst. Should have played Ludo ,I told you, my soul stated with perfect hindsight.

What do you mean, does not exist? Who does not exist? I asked being at the midpoint of my fall from the sublime to the ridiculous and staring down in horror.

This other woman with whom you can have an affair.

But why??? I was about to touch the ridiculous ground here at this stage.

Because any one who comes close to you and understands you will decide against having an affair with you. Simple. So that’s why I know this situation will never happen.

THUD. I was on ground ridiculous now. The paper horns fell on my face a minute later. Lying face upwards and spreadeagled, I summed up the situation. “So you have more faith in this non existent female (as of now) who will agree with your view about my uselessness and decide against having an affair with me THAN in my loyalty to you”?

Absolutely yes, she declared dismissively. The serial was over. The matter having been decided, I went to play Ludo with my son. Poor thing was playing Ludo all by himself and bored. His face lit up on seeing me (he must be my soulmate) and exclaimed - "Dad, what took you so long?". Well, I went bungee jumping, I said with a "my wife has done it again" look on my face. Should have trusted my soul.

Never felt so grief stricken since Bangladesh beat India in the cricket World Cup 2007.

Anyway, I have decided not to take this lying down this time (no pun intended). Any compassionate female reading this (and in tears for me and my situation) wanting to prove my wife wrong please feel free to contact me. And one at a time please !!

Zen and the need to kill the Buddha

So when are you joining the AOL ?, an office colleague asked. A year ago, I would have translated the acronym to be America OnLine. However, as I knew this person and what he is into and based on a discussion before, I knew he was talking about Shri Shri Ravi Shankar’s “Art of Living”.

Not interested, thanks, I said. Trying my best not to give him a piece of my mind.

“How about Baba Ramdev’s discourses then? They are now available on CDs and MP3 s and now he has started visiting Dubai also” , he persisted.

Why do you want me to do that?, I asked.

“Well aren’t you into these things? Your blog has articles about, destiny, God, life journey. Karma etc so you should join them”.

Discretion being the better part of valour, I decided to withdraw by pretending I had some urgent business to finish and we can discuss this later. Back in my room, I decided to make my stand clear on these issues to the world wide web. So here it is. I hope this pest (and several others that I know) read this blog piece so that they do not pester me again with why I should listen to the Babas and Gurus.

We are each on our own personal evolutionary path, and we choose experiences that will help us with this evolution. Years ago in college I read a book by a psychotherapist called Sheldon Kopp titled _”If you meet the Budha on the road, Kill Him”. To know more about the book, click the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/Meet-Buddha-Pilgrimage-Psychotherapy-Patients/dp/0553278320/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205823102&sr=1-1
This book is very Zen and if you aren't familiar with Zen, this is as good a place as any to get an introduction to it. If you cannot be bothered with this (like my wife), then the book’s message (written in 1972!!) is that Killing the Buddha is looking deeply within ourselves, accepting our limitations, our attributes, and everything in between. We are the experts in the journey of our own lives. No one else is. The back cover of the book says: "The most important thing that each man must learn is that no one else can teach him." Very true. (I actually like this line because it then justifies all those moments when I didn’t listen to my teachers at school !!) Yes, your teachers (fellow journeyers on the life path) can give you real life examples and experiences, but in the end the conclusion has to come from your experiences. Self improvement best comes from experiences and the lessons we learn from those experiences. Lessons received without experiences are incomplete. You can have guides BUT avoid guides that force a path down your throat. Choose guides that narrow down the choice of paths for you and let you decide which one is best (need not be right) for you.

Like Siddharth, the character of Herman Hesse’s novel, don’t be a follower of any but your own soul. Neither a practitioner nor a devotee, neither meditating nor reciting, Siddhartha comes to blend in with the world, resonating with the rhythms of nature, bending down to hear answers from the river. The book parallels the life of Buddha and seems to argue that lessons of this sort cannot be taught but come from one's own struggle to find truth. Its the struggle that is more important. Siddhartha embraces suffering and learning in an active and uncynical attempt to find wisdom. For all you know the Guru you are looking for help is himself a struggler but appears not to be so? You are better off trusting yourself. Again, remember, like Siddhartha, sometimes you need to travel down a wrong path to realize what is wrong about the path in order to get on the right path

Look inside yourself for answers. If you need Baba Ramdev and AOL to assist you as facilitators, then yes please go ahead but in the end you should have the courage, the desire, and the thrill of looking inside and discovering yourself. Facing yourself is the most difficult task of all because you can fool the whole world but you cannot fool yourself. No Babas, Gurus, therapists or any priest will or can do that for you – ie. Look inside you. They can be instruments and tools for your self discovery but nothing more. Even if you get things wrong, you are better off making your own mistakes and learning from them. Remember how a child learns to walk? – yes, by falling first of course and then learning how not to fall based on the experience of falling.

Don’t take the easy way out. You have to confront yourself one day……isn’t that the reason why you exist? So do yourself a favour, get off the Guru’s couch and at the same time get the Guru (therapist) off the pedestal. Liberate yourself from all Babas and Gurus, look inside, find yourself and then look up ….you will find a path that has your name written on it and keep walking until you reach your destiny at the end of it. Walk on anyone else’s path and you will reach some one else’s destiny, not your own. You are supposed to struggle, you are just another struggling human. If you do not struggle you will not learn to walk !! It is more important to be struggling to walk in your own path rather than walking tall on someone else’s life path.

Do it yourself, do it right but just do it. Kill the Buddha and discover yourself.

Somewhere in Time – or True love can never be denied

Just read this Richard Matheson’s timeless (!) novel. I have had it for yearrrrrrsss but never picked it up to read it. Well now I have. But what a book !!!

The story is of a love that transcends the boundaries of time. Richard Collier (the author shares his name with the lead character here so I will refer them by their surnames) a man in current era becomes obsessed with a woman of another time, a celebrated actress at the turn of the century. Matheson's classic novel tells the moving, romantic story of a modern man whose love for a woman he has never met draws him back in time to a luxury hotel in San Diego in 1896, where he finds his soul mate in the form of a celebrated actress of the previous century. Somewhere in Time won the World Fantasy Award for Best Novel in 1979.

Now before anyone considers this a time travel fantasy novel and is about to leave then please STOP. And LISTEN. This is not time travel fantasy that has romance. It is a novel of true love that has a time travel fantasy setting. All love stories need to have a setting which is more conceptual than the main story line itself. Matheson has not introduced anything dramatic and new in terms of time travel. The time travel technique has been borrowed from Jack Finney’s Time and Again. Matheson’s story is about love not about time travel. The time separation has been deliberately stressed upon in the book so that his message of how true love can never be denied despite separated by 75 years comes across. If time travel interests you go and read Jack Finney’s Time and Again. If your interest is love and finding your soul mate, read on and then go on to read the book.

Collier in 1971 had somehow come across the photo of an actress (Elise) from 1896 that intrigues him. He finds he must know her life and starts researching her. He finds that she is the same actress who he had met at a college function. When he met her, she had a very strange reaction to him like she had known him and then she died right after. Collier just gets more infatuated with the actress and is sure that he loves her. The more that he investigates her he becomes convinced that he somehow had gone to the past and met her. Collier starts to study theories on time travel and then uses virtually the same method used in Finney's books to travel back to 1896 to be with her.

I don’t want to give away the story and want to just focus on the message.


I'd like to believe that Richard and Elise's souls traveled to a place where time was not an issue, and at last, their love could flourish. This life was meant just for them to learn the love’s most difficult yet simple lesson. That you do not need a reason to fall in love. The person’s existence should be enough. For him to be in love, Collier’s only reason was Elise existence. How many of us can tell our love that I love you because you….(fullstop.) Nothing more – but just you. So for Collier it was enough that Elise birth was the only reason for him to love her. And Collins is such a weak, almost hysterical figure, that reading the story alone one would wonder why a woman would fall for a man like him other than he was her true love. Deliberate. Elise is a successful actress and Collier a weak, hysterical and almost on death bed so as to emphasise that for Elise it did not matter. Here is a man who loves her just because she was born and had no other reason to love and therefore his love was beyond time. If you love anyone for a reason, then what happens to your love when the reason is gone? It is so easy for any man to fall in love with an attractive star like Elise but what happens when she becomes old? Does that mean that her lover will have to keep finding new reasons every now and then? Or if you love a person because that person has certain qualities that are visible or manifest them around you and therefore bring joy/pleasure to you then what happens to your love when that person is dead and gone? Isnt it a bit selfish that love then for you is what you get out of it for your own benefit - rather like being in love with your own self so therefore you will "be in love" with anything that feeds your needs. Or if he/she has Alziehmer's disease and does not know you or does not love you any more. But if you love a person for just being born and therefore being in existence then it will last beyond death and time. No matter what happens to a person – whether death, dismemberment, or simply old age or even separation – nothing can deny the fact that the person was born.

By the way, this book is a killer. Extremely beautiful as Collier takes a journey into the past to find his soul mate but yet packaged with a profound sadness. They are intertwined rather like true love which is what this book is all about. The last few pages of the book are painful, abrupt and unexpected. But shouldn’t true love have these elements as well, or else it cannot exist? If you have been in love and heart broken at least once then you will understand the higher love and the related pain that comes with it by relating it to your own circumstances. The ecstasy of a higher love can probably be only measured by the sadness that accompanies it. Because more often than not, true love is recognized only after its gone.

And wherever there is higher love of the sort Elise and Collier experienced, there are miracles waiting to happen. True love cannot be denied. When true love asserts itself, Time and Universe both first come to a standstill, then step aside and say “YES, YOUR WISH IS GRANTED” so that true love can find its way. Even if it means allowing someone to travel back 75 years in time to be united with his love. Truly blessed.

More on this twin aspect of love when I review the book “The Thorn Birds” by Colleen McCullough next.

Me, my wife and the art of self expression

A Blog, what’s that? My wife asked when I announced that I have started writing my blog again.

I told her that I had explained this more than a year back (when I commenced my blog) but anyway here it is again (like so many other things which I have to keep repeating!!!)

It’s my page on the net where I collect my thoughts, write on topics I feel about etc…

And how do you collect your thoughts on a blog?.

Good question.

Well, I just write and post on this blog page. Just like one would write a column in a newspaper.

So why don’t you send your writings to a newspaper? She questioned.

I felt like I was being interrogated with a 1000 W light hitting my eyes. Normal to me though – seen it before, been there before etc.

Well, they may not publish it, I reasoned.

Precisely, she exclaimed triumphantly. If its not worth being published then why bother. After all, if these writings were good enough, then there are so many papers/magazines available these days and they would gladly publish.

Well, the blog is driven by a desire for self expression. It fulfils a primeval need for social expression and this is the best medium for people like me.

Self expression? Haven’t you expressed enough already?

Well, yes, I have, but to the wrong people, I was about to say but quickly changed myself. After surviving more than a decade of marriage I knew when to avoid saying anything that could invite trouble.

Yes, I have, up to now, but it’s an on going thing and therefore the blog.

But who will read yr postings and why will they read? the interrogation continued.

Well, I have written about 10 pieces and people from all over the world have read them.

How do you know? Besides, why would people want to know about yr thoughts/opinion?

Well…”….I tried answering that but couldn’t think of anything to say. Stunned speechless for the 747 millionth time since marriage

See, that’s what I meant all along, there’s no reason why you should be wasting your time expressing yourself, she concluded with an air of dismissal in a way she has done infinite number of times before .

And like infinite instances before, I accepted her conclusion.

P.S. For those of you who are wondering (all married men of course) how did I dare to post this piece of blog – well, I am safe here as I know she will never read anything on this blog as this relates to me and my expressive thoughts. I guess she has had enough of them.

Fate and Destiny

Ever played rummy or heard of it? (No!! its NOT strip poker, and who said that?). Well it’s quite a simple game of cards. There are a set of rules to begin with and a hand comprising the cards is dealt to you. You have no hand in the hand that is dealt to you. You play according to the rules and you end up winning and losing. End of this blog. Please go back to work using your hands (and stop thinking about strip poker !!).

WAIT A SECOND!!

This blog is about fate and destiny and how they are possibly linked. Not about rummy though I am using the analogy. So back to the subject. (To be honest, I was put off on a different track by that strip poker comment and no one has owned up as yet!!).

So imagine yourself at a rummy game with say 4-5 players and you get a hand. You have no way of knowing how good your hand relative to the other players is unless you start playing. So unless you get a really really good hand, you will start carefully. As you start playing you will know how are you progressing and will have to play differently.

The set of cards you get is FATE – this is what you were born with and includes your surroundings, the environment, your personality traits, the people around you. The end result of the game for you is your DESTINY. In between fate and destiny is the battle. So you start of with fate, and end up with destiny. So how you play determines your destiny point. Ever heard of the cliché that the journey is the destination itself? Well it’s true about life too. The destiny point is what you make it to be depending on how you play. The play is the journey and is the most important aspect of your life.

Destiny is not fixed from beginning. Let’s say it is probabilistic depending on the hand you were dealt with. But converting the range of the probabilities into a deterministic point (the destiny) depends on You and your interaction with other players. You also bring to the game table your own style of play based on your own unique characteristics. As the game progresses, you will have to adapt and keep altering your style of playing to achieve a desired result. Same with life. As we grow older our personality is in a state of constant flux and keeps changing based on the experiences you have with the environment and the people in it. As we keep traveling on the road (dusty?) to destiny, changing ourselves and the people around us, our destiny point keeps moving. Where we finish becomes our destiny. If you are not happy with the result, then you only have yourself to blame, because it means you did not play well. Playing well doesn’t mean coming first or second and beating everybody, it means how well you played with respect to the hand you were dealt with and how you interacted with your co-players or reacted to how you were playing. The analogy with life is striking indeed.

It’s all about the journey; fate and destiny are just the start and the end point. Just as in strip poker how you play will influence the “end” result !!!!!. And of course the journey is more enjoyable if you play well, and as for the destiny point, well I can’t say any more, this is a family programme.

10 reasons why I don’t want my son (he is 7 now) to grow up

10 reasons why I don’t want my son (he is 7 now) to grow up:

1. Will stop laughing at stupid things

When me and Paras are around stupid things happen. He always finds a reason to laugh at them. As he matures, he will not find several such situations worth laughing at.

2. Will stop believing in my incredible stories

I am not an author and do not write stories. However, I do read a lot and always thought myself of as a widely read reader until I bumped into my son’s constant demands of “tell me a new story”. Now I do have an imagination and tell him really funny and silly nonsensical stories which he not only laughs but believes in. As he grows up, he will realize that no one can tear a car’s tyre with his teeth, or eat the veiling fan for breakfast. The funny look and the no hold back laughter make the whole thing very enjoyable.

3. He will resist my coming to school

He (like all children) wants to be dropped to and picked up from school by me every day. While I drop him everyday, he comes back home by bus. When he asks me to come and pick him up, and if I can, I refuse, only to turn up at the school entrance. The gleam in his eyes (it’s a naughty look) when he sees me and starts running (this is similar to a bull running towards a bull fighter) is worth the effort. As he grows up, he would like to imagine he is big enough for Daddy to come and instead be busy with his friends.

4. Will lose his childlike faith in Superheroes

He thinks Spiderman is real and has super powers, is always victorious and can do anything. Soon he will realize these things are really not real and start believing us when we explain that. Everytime a child grows up, a superhero dies somewhere, but then more children keep coming to keep the superhero legends alive.

5. Would gradually know that I do not know everything

I actually want this to happen, maybe. This way he will stop asking me everything and would accept my word when I tell him that I don’t know how many cities are there in this world. Right now, he believes I know everything, one day he will come to know the truth and another superhero (me) will die.

6. Not come and sit on my lap as if he owns the place

He does this so often and enjoys doing this. One day he will decide he is big enough and stop this and all the fun will end.

7. We will stop being important

In the initial years of a child, parents occupy a significant space and everything new a child learns is transmitted back to the parent. A child’s experience is incomplete unless he shares it with his parents. As children grow, parents occupy less space progressively and with a boy its even more. Right now, my son is full of tricks and gives us so many happy moments by telling us his experiences. Some of these are so funny that you can laugh years later and never forget.

8. Will stop asking stupid questions

The problem with grown up and mature people (well most of them) is that they do not ask stupid questions like who is the monitor of your office? My son did and the next question was when, I will become a monitor. In his class everyone becomes a monitor by rotation so he assumes the process is the same at work. The child like understanding assumes that all systems work the way schools do and the analogy with a place of work can be really funny. Imagine everyone changing positions by rotation, that would be a real 360 degrees process.

9. Certain jobs will be less glamorous

So what do you want to be when you grow up, someone asked him once? Baker was his prompt reply, because I want to bake bread. By the way, he enjoys eating bread. Other favorites have been (he keeps changing) postman, police, farmer, builder etc. Oddly enough, he has never said accountant – maybe he already realizes what a waste of life his father’s has been . As he grows up, he will stop answering from his heart, and use his mind. That’s when his answers will stop being delightful.

10. Inherited bond to friendship bond

This one is the toughest and the biggest parenting challenge. The child parent bond is inherited. i.e, neither the parents nor the child chose each other in particular. It is simply inherited and the bond that develops is an inherited bond. As the child’s space grows and more people come into his life, the bond may weaken and needs to be replaced or complimented with a friendship bond. Transactionally speaking, It is not easy to to transform the adult child relationship into an adult-adult relationship of almost equals with your own child. But this is what every successful parent has to achieve and justify the inherited bond. I don’t know why I put this here as no. 10 but this one is not something I am avoiding but working on.

Nishkama Karma

“Nishkama Karma”
(Do your duty without expecting rewards or how to celebrate life)

Before you read further, try and consider the following:

You are not a body with a soul inside, you are a soul inside a body which you (probably) currently identify as yourself. Think this clearly, if your name is ABC, then are you ABC who has a soul somewhere residing in your body, or are you a soul residing in a body which is known by ABC in this world ? Do you think yourself a body or a soul ? If you identify yourself with your body then you are a mortal and destined to die. But if you think you are soul in a body then you are immortal and above birth or death. Decided ? Now read on.

To me the Gita is a book on celebration of life. The Gita represents the best of Upanishads. The Upanishads are difficult to comprehend by the average reader who may not have enough understanding of the meaning of life. At any given point in time, a man is nothing but the sum total of all his experiences in life and if he has not reached a particular stage of understanding, upanishads will seem difficult to understand. The Upanishads contain the Brahma Sutras, which the Gita helps us to understand.

In Mahabharata, when the armies of Kauravas and the Pandyas are facing each other and the historical battle is about to begin, Arjuna’s conscience revolts on seeing Bhishma and Dronacharya and several of his relatives on the side of the enemy camp. Arjun offers to lay down his arms. Then Krishna explains to Arjun the essence of the Upanishads. It must be noted that the depth of the philosophy contained in the Brahma Sutras is such that unless you are ready for it, no amount of reading will make you understand. (The same is true of Zen). Krishna and Arjun were the best of friends, but yet Krishna waited until Arjun laid down his arms (the right place and the right time) to reveal the philosophy of the upanishads. The time had now come for Arjuna to understand. Here he was, the key warrior of his army, on whom victory depended (without Arjun, Pandavas couldn’t have won), turning away from the battlefield, his duty, only because he felt that it was not his duty to kill his Guru, his Godfather and his relatives. Krishna very simply says that you cannot kill anybody because the soul never dies. Killing the body makes no difference to the soul of that body. It just moves on to another body depending on the karmas it has performed in this bodily life. The basic principle of Gita is “Nishkama Karma” - do your duty without expecting the rewards. If a man’s duty is to fight and kill his own relatives then he must do so. In doing so, he does not become a less godly man than a hermit (provided that is duty) residing in a forest chanting the name of God throughout. According to Gita, nothing can be more ungodly than failing to do one’s duty, for whatever reason. Thus, a person can stay in this world, enjoy sensory pleasures, live a full life without expecting any rewards in return. He has control over his own Karma, but not the fruit. Karma is the cause that generates Vipaka -the effect. You can control Karma (the cause), but not the effect, so why bother? (I intend to add a separate piece on the Karma and re-incarnation at some later time - keep returning to this web page every now and then).

Krishna further goes on to say that it is the unfulfilled expectations that are the root cause of suffering in this world. But if you give up your duty then you cannot identify yourself with the supreme. If you have not experienced the tangible, you will not know the intangible. If you have not been worldly enough, you cannot attain unworldliness. The path to the supreme is through this world. To reach the supernatural, you have to go through the natural - doing your duty in this life without expecting any returns. So Krishna asks Arjun not to give in but to get up and fight, for it his duty today.

The best part I like about Gita is that it does not preach renunciation or austerity as a means of salvation. Note the contrast of this basic principle of Gita against equally deep and rich (if not more richer) philosophies of Zen and Tibetan Buddhism. (I am still studying these two). You can attain unworldliness in worldliness. Gita says do not run away from the battlefield of life, life is not a burden. Give in you may, but not without resistance.

Gita teaches us that life is not a burden, but a celebration. Do your duty and celebrate yourself to salvation. So why worry ? Just do it. Besides, from a point of karma and the related re-birth associated with it, it is very important to face the world and the problems associated with living and dying, the stress of relationships, of breaking hearts and broken hearts. If you lead a life of renunciation then what has your soul learned in this life? A life has been wasted because the soul has learned nothing. (I intend to add a separate piece on the Karma and re-incarnation at some later time the discussion is too vast and broad ranging).

Does God Play Dice ?

To a physicist, the universe is chance and all the events can be explained by the theory of probability. Like the Schrodinger’s cat experiment, (Read “In Search of Schrodinger’s Cat” by John Gribbin) all events are probabilities until they are seen to happen, when at that time they become deterministic events and the probabilities collapse. So the question that follows is that “Is God a mathematician”? Or to use the analogy of the question asked by physicists to Schrodinger when he put forward his quantum theory of “nothing happens until it is observed” - “Does God play dice ?”. (The theory of probability can be used to build an expectation of the likely results of throwing two dices and since it was put forward that the universe is a chance event and all the events in it were subject to the laws of probability, God was referred to as a dice player. So is God playing dice?

Let us look at things this way, if events in this universe are controlled by God, then the next question I am tempted to ask is that why does He bother? What is God’s purpose in first creating the 10 billion stars in the universe and then the vast space, and on our own planet earth the different life forms? And then, to create 6 billion people after that. Without going into any particular religious school of thought, doesn’t it seem too much of a botheration? Isn’t it simpler not to do anything? How much of the Universe has God created and how much of it is owing to the laws of physics? For e.g. Does God decide on the explosion of a star, or does the star collapses consistent with the laws of the physics? Same issue with light. It is a universal phenomena and appears to follow the laws of physics. Or is God just responsible for creation, and after that the created matter just lives and follows the laws of physics/nature. And then, what about the life forms? The more you think about it the more complex the whole creation becomes. Though we have near definite answers about the big bang but still one can always argue about where the matter came from. So did God create Himself first and then the matter that exploded giving us our universe? See how difficult it gets.

So does God play dice at all, and if he does, why does he play at all? Or is God just a beautiful creative energy that has to manifest itself into different forms otherwise the energy will cease to exist from lack of self expression?

Life After Death

So do you want to believe that there is life after death? I have deliberately used the word “believe” as certain first hand knowledge of life after death can come only after death. So it remains a belief and not knowledge. Before you say yes, take the JD (Jiddu) Krishnamurti challenge. Why do you want to believe that there is life after death? Isn’t one life not sufficient for you? What is it that you want to achieve in another life that you cant achieve in this one? Now think again. Is it your ego, or a firm belief in your religion that there is an afterlife ?. For Hindus, it is another life on earth based on your karma in this life. For others it is either heaven and hell. So there is a continuity according to all religions and death is not an end, and neither is birth a beginning. So, what is it ? Are you uncomfortable with the idea that the universe is a chance event and so is your birth and death? That no part of what you identify as yourself will exist after your death except in people’s minds ? Is it the fear of complete abandonment, of the knowledge that we are alone in this universe ?. Or you are dead (no pun intended) sure that the principles of the major religion are indeed correct and there is life after death in different forms as set out. In that case, you should not have fear of death, as only after death can you unite with God. (For Hindus, this will be a series of births and deaths before unification with the creator.) If that is indeed the case, then why is man in general afraid of death ? Isn’t your fear of death a doubt that there is nothingness after death ?. Isn’t your fear of death in reality a fear of discovering that there is no purpose to the universe and the whole universe can be explained by a theoretical physicist (Try reading The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins which deals with this subject) in terms of probability and quantum theory? Search yourself.